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” I sat at the kitchen table staring at my plate, wondering why I was there. It crossed my mind several times that no one could see me. They were all carrying on, eating, conversing, as if I had left the room, because I had made myself evaporate into thin air.

God, please, give me some wine and a bed, and I could make it to tomorrow.

Force me to sit and smile and listen and be, I would only cower away like demons to light.

“Mom,” Karter whispered. He gestured toward some dinner guest – a man whose name I had forgotten.

Mom. I hated that word.” (Like Shards of Glass)

 

Like Shards of Glass

Like Shards of Glass:

Beauty, pain, drugs, sex: repeat. Monroe Song, who considers herself nothing more than the wife of a terrorist, is struggling, failing, and drowning, trying to find her place in a world that has left her at the brink of insanity: Her husband, Carter, has opened fire at a mental health facility, before turning the ruthless gun on his sons, then himself.

Emptied wine bottles, and pills which bring her no relief or comfort, drive Monroe into the arms of Dominique, a man half her age, who offers her the perfect anecdote for her brokenness.

Monroe’s oldest son, Karter, once idolized his father. Karter is now haunted by his father’s face, words, and the massacre that is now his family legacy. 

If Karter’s hero is a monster, a terrorist, who brutally murdered innocent people, what does that make Karter? 

How can Monroe and Karter move forward when life has forgotten them? Then, again, with everything so distorted, why not spiral with the storm?

Like Shards of Glass is now available for pre-order! (The release date in late August.)

Please be sure and stop by, again, and also visit my Facebook page, as I will be sharing excerpts and more!

Shards promo 5

 

 

 

Are you ready to pre-order your copy of Like Shards of GlassYes? Click here!

 

 

Just Beneath the Surface: Landon’s Story

Into the thoughts of the character “Seven”

Into my mind, into my heart,  into my soul he goes.

Never experienced anything — anyone — quite like this.

My mind, my deepest secrets, my skeletons, my fears, my ocean of unknown. The space where only God resides — Landon found it, and it seems that it was destined to be that way all along.

With other people —  nearly everyone —  I argue, I fight, I curse, I lose control. With a simple glance from him, I am calm. I hear his voice, and through my rage, everything stops. Should one human being ever have so much power over another?

I don’t know what, when, or how, but I know it’s almost like nothing existed before him.

Just beneath ll 2 (2)

Just Beneath the Surface II

Into the thoughts of the character “Seven”

Into my mind, into my heart,  into my soul he goes.

Never experienced anything — anyone — quite like this.

My mind, my deepest secrets, my skeletons, my fears, my ocean of unknown — the space where only God resides — Landon found it, and it seems that it was destined to be that way all along.

With other people —  nearly everyone —  I argue, I fight, I curse, I lose control. With a simple glance from him, I am calm. I hear his voice, and through my rage, everything stops. Should one human being ever have so much power over another?

I don’t know what, when, or how, but I know it’s almost like nothing existed before him.

******

Where were you?

“Mystery” Character thoughts

Please don’t fall for him

Please don’t fall for him

Please don’t fall for him

Please, God, don’t let me fall

Have you ever watched a storm roll in? Heard the thunder coming closer and closer, frowned as all of your plans were ruined, and now, nothing could possibly go right? But then, as much as you hated to admit it, the cool breeze that swept over you, the melody of the raindrops — all of it — was so refreshing, that you forgot about your “plans” and the way you thought you felt about the storm?

He reminded me of one of those surprise rain storms. When I saw him coming, I frowned. He was nothing like what I thought I wanted or needed. Certainly, he would bring nothing good to my life; I had everything figured out, yet I knew nothing at all.

Gentle, unexpected, captivating and peaceful. Nothing that he seemed.  Even with our own “personal storms,” together, we were nothing more than a sweet melody.

Christian: the self-proclaimed liar and cheater, was so vulnerable, that there was no way he could be anything more than lost.  So lost, that not a day went by where he was not at least mildly intoxicated. But he saw me clearly, and I saw him for who he was …

Never once did he show me the side of him that broke hearts everywhere he went. Never once did he lie to me or tell me what I wanted to hear. He never disrespected me. He never even wanted anything more than to be with me, and he claimed to be so in love that sex should wait. He said that in me, he found someone worth holding on to.

In a short period of time, a very short period of time, I fell. I was lost in a world we created. In this world, we shared everything, laughed, bickered, dreamed together and held on tight to happiness — bliss.

I had the key to his heart. But all the time, he told me that I was the only one with that key, and that he knew for a fact that I would break his heart. I would abandon him just as everyone else had. I assured him that his mind was playing tricks on him, that I cared about “us” just as much as he did. Deep down, I was so afraid of getting hurt, that I spent our time apart figuring out how to escape him unscathed.

I had to save both of us from falling in love with a dream.

I felt that I had to open my eyes.

I had to distance myself.

Yet, deep down, I hope he’ll find me, again.

Please don’t miss him

Please stop missing him

Please, God, help me to stop missing him.

Please, God, let him find me, again …

 

 

Into the thoughts of ‘Where were you?’ character Christian

This is the fun part. Giving you my phone number. Wondering why girls like you let yourself fall so hard for guys like me. I’ll leave you with questions you never thought to ask, before. The types of questions I had when I was much younger.

I was happier to not have the answers. But I’ll give it my best shot …

Why do people lie?

Typical answer: Because they’ve been lied to.

Maybe.

My answer: I think its more than that. I lie because I’m able to make it better than what it really is. Like, I never had anyone lie to me and make it sound or seem better. So, if I lie to you, I feel its my gift to you.

Why do people cheat, betray and forget about eachother?

Typical answer: Because somebody, somewhere, hurt them in those ways.

My answer: There’s got to be more. I cheat because in many ways I’m no good. Sometimes, I do it because I honestly hate being alone. Sometimes, I do it because you don’t respect yourself enough to tell me “no”. You don’t tell me “no” because there’s something you’re looking for, too. So, really, we use eachother, don’t we?

Am I blaming me? Yes. Am I blaming some of you? Yes – kinda’.

Why do people forget about people they claim to love?

Typical answer: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen that way.

My answer: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen that way.

But …

A lot of you are forgettable. I want you to hold my attention – but I’m distracted by the hundreds of versions of you I see every day. What I’m saying sounds cold, but if you look at what you and your girls say about us, then look at what you settle for …

allow …

entertain …

None of us are perfect.

When my mind wanders, it always leads me back to her …

She threw me off. I can admit I was thrown. I can admit that I never felt that way, before. She was nothing like anyone  I had ever been attracted to before. And with the concrete rose, which is what she is to me, you notice instantly that something is special.

I’m not talking perfection, not angelic. Just unique. Out of place but meant to be. There were times I watched her and smiled. And deep down I knew it wouldnt last. So, I watched after her and cared for her for as long as I could. I guess what I gave just …

As always …

I wasn’t good enough.

Why do people abandon eachother for a rush?

That moment of take-off.

Typical answer: its not you,its their own personal demons.

My answer: I don’t have an answer to that, because now, I value the rush, too. Funny how what we hate and swear off as children are the same thing we become.

I’m the biggest liar. The best excuse-maker. A cheating, rush chaser. I abandon, I forget people and I have the nerve to complain about being lonely.

You still want my number?

******

Where were you?

She has always been overlooked.

Some refer to her as “the ugly duckling.” As she came into her own, grew into her features, she learned what it meant to be the center of attention. She quickly learned how to turn the heads of men; she would never be overlooked, again.

She was often rejected.

She was taught to be seen and not heard. She was tossed around, from family to acquaintances, and she never learned stability. She blames herself for her inability to settle down.

Her entire life, she was told that her skin was too dark.

She was teased about disappearing when the lights were turned off. She was teased about her prominent facial features. As an adult, she consulted with plastic surgeons and uses skin lighteners.

Her entire life, she was teased about her weight.

In grade school, they laughed at her wild, bright red hair, and said that her teeth were “too big for her face.” Now, the braces, voluptuous body, hair dye, hair straighteners and weekly trips to the salon still don’t fix the damage she continues to inflict upon herself when she looks in the mirror.

The people she trusted most betrayed her.

They used her, hurt her, left her in ruins. They stole everything she had. Now,the only thing she has left for herself, is hatred.

She only knows how to be harsh and critical …

with herself, with her co-workers, her friends, her family and strangers. She’s been hurt, therefore, she hurts others. When she is jealous, she lashes out, and she breaks spirits with ease. When she is upset with her life, she lashes out at those she envies. When she is unsure, she lashes out, and she is the epitomy of the idiom, “Misery loves company.”

She does not see what the world sees; she never has.

Forty years have passed, and she still hasn’t accepted the woman others refer to as loving, kind, gracious and beautiful. Not to mention, she is quite the comedian. She cringes when complemented. She makes herself the butt of every joke. Deep down, these jabs she takes at herself: her weight, skin, life and calling herself dumb, are a cry for help. Depression oppresses her and no one knows that each night before she closes her eyes, she considers pressing a pistol to her temple as she prays for better days.

With all of the things we carry: the burdens of others, our own baggage and scars, fears of failing and disappointing, the fears of being “too assertive/hard” – in all of this, where do we find time to love ourselves? How many of us truly love who we are and what we see in the mirror?

There is so much to the word woman – so many layers – when do we find time to let go of the pressures of the world and embrace what we are?

n. pl. wom·en (wmn)

1. An adult female human.
2. Women considered as a group; womankind: “Woman feels the invidious distinctions of sex exactly as the black man does those of color” (Elizabeth Cady Stanton).
3. An adult female human belonging to a specified occupation, group, nationality, or other category. Often used in combination: an Englishwoman; congresswoman; a saleswoman.
4. Feminine quality or aspect; womanliness.
5. A female servant or subordinate.
6. Informal
a. A wife.
b. A female lover or sweetheart.
woman [ˈwʊmən]
n pl women [ˈwɪmɪn]
1. (Social Science / Anthropology & Ethnology) an adult female human being
2. (modifier) female or feminine a woman politician woman talk
3. (Social Science / Anthropology & Ethnology) women collectively; womankind
4. (usually preceded by the) feminine nature or feelings babies bring out the woman in her
5. a female servant or domestic help
6. a man considered as having supposed female characteristics, such as meekness or timidity
7. Informal a wife, mistress, or girlfriend
We are so much more than these definitions.  We are so much more than the labels we are given. We are so much more than the labels we give ourselves. We are more than our scars. We are more than our insecurities. What will it take for us to believe in ourselves?
self-esteem
noun
1.

a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2.

an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.
***
Self-esteem is something I pray about, often. The words self-esteem, I admit, are like a foreign language to me most days. How many of us beat ourselves over the head with the things we are not, did not do, cannot do, will never do/be?
Where does it begin?
What do we need to do to fix the crippling thoughts?
How many of us truly, deeply love ourselves?
 I am constantly thinking of the women who have never learned to love themselves beyond
the exterior – the surface.
I wish I could change the way young girls view themselves and idolize unrealistic images fed to them on television and magazines.
I am constantly wondering what it will take to forget about the weight loss challenges, the make-up, the things that hide our imperfections – why do we punish ourselves by waiting on “perfection?”
How fair is it to wait to love yourself?
Look in the mirror on your worst day while you are in your worst mood. What is the first word that comes to mind?
If you were to describe yourself in five words, what would those words be?
Now. How many of those things were negative, based upon unecessary pressure, the way you felt that you looked or what someone said to you?
Do you have to fight with yourself to come up with something good to say about yourself?
The lack of true love for ourselves, and the insecurities we often develop –  I often wonder: what gives us the right to doubt and criticize the miraculous wonders that we are?
We are all beautiful and unique; why do so many of us have so much trouble looking at our reflexions and telling ourselves these things? Where is the genuine self love…
Beyond our hair…
Beyond our nails…
Beyond our material possessions…
What do you love about you …
 What happens when you don’t love yourself and embrace what you are and have been blessed with?
What happens to a woman who never learns to love herself?
“It may snowball into other areas of her life: low self esteem, lack of confidence in her ability, experiencing true passion or completing anything of substance in her life – she does not reach her full potential.” Ann H.
“Then she will never learn how to love others.” – Jakell

“Then her happiness is always in the hands of others” – Erica E.

“She can’t possibly develop genuine love for another.” – Megan Henderson

“She will never fully trust when someone else says, ‘I love you'” – Hollie Clark

“It is difficult to love someone else …” – Shanta

“She may allow herself to be used and abused and feel empty inside cause if she doesn’t care about herself than why should anyone else.” – Tamara

“She won’t be able to identify the feeling of love towards her by someone else.” – Tamara

“She can’t love anyone else.” – Blayne A.

“She will never know her true potential, thus denying the world her beauty.” –  Laura

“She can never fully love others.” – Brooke W.

“She may not appreciate true love when it comes her way.” – Crystal Torres

“She can never love another.” – Lesley M
“No man ever will!” – Daphne S
“She will never experience an orgasm.” – Missy G.
“She will never learn to love another …” Donesha T.
“She will never be able to learn how to love someone else.” – Benjolynn
“She will never be happy.” – Melina
“She can’t love anyone else.” Vergina
“She will never really be able to love anyone else.” Ey Wade
“Then she can’t love anyone else!!!” – Stephaine C
“Doesn’t look for it.” – Renee W

“She will never know her true worth.” – Samantha A

“Then she can’t love anyone else.” – Stacey R
“She will never be happy.” – Tarra A
“She’s suffered the biggest heartbreak of all.” – Lea T
“How can she show her children what love is?” L Young
“She will never be truly appreciated or loved by anyone else.”  L Young
These quotes are sincere. The list of ways a woman misses out without loving herself, flaws and all, goes on and on. If you’ve learned to love yourself, please hold on to that. If you have not, please start, today. Love yourself – starting today.

Song of Solomon 4:1 Behold,you are beautiful, my love, behold,  you are beautiful! Your eyes are dovesbehind your veil.  Your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the  slopes of Gilead.

God is looking for imperfect men and women who have learned to walk in  moment-by-moment dependence on the Holy Spirit. Christians who have come to  terms with their inadequacies, fears, and failures. Believers who have become  discontent with ‘surviving’ and have taken the time to investigate everything  God has to offer in this life.Charles Stanley
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If you don’t love you, how can you love fully love others? Without embracing and loving others wholeheartedly, you are missing out on something remarkable.

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