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Where were you chronicles: Christian

“Don’t hang up.”

Arnold?” Christian mumbled.

I didn’t call to — this is — its about your father, Christian. Its about your biological father.”

Christian glanced over at Cassady and took the phone into the bathroom.

“Ill be quick,” said Arnold, “your father is looking for you. Jot down this number.”

My father? Man, please.” Christian laughed on the surface.

Deep down, he had never known himself to feel so many conflicting emotions. Which emotion was he supposed to go with? He wondered what this had to do with Arnold. He rushed into the kitchen to grab a pen and wrote the number down.

Christian took the phone from his ear as he stared at his biological father’s telephone number. Not only was he talking to the man who adopted him, then forgot about him after the divorce, but he was speaking about the biological father he had never met? He pressed the phone to his ear and found his adoptive father completely silent.

The man obviously wanted nothing to do with him; Sadie made it perfectly clear that Arnold was finished raising children. Sadie explained to a five year old Christian, fourteen years ago, that Arnold had only gone through with adopting Christian in an attempt to salvage his marriage. But as Sadie’s world began to revolve around Christian and being the perfect family, Arnold’s world began to revolve around a new woman. The woman Arnold would start a new life with.

“I didn’t give him your number or your address. I told him it was up to you,” Arnold said.

“Did he say why?” Christian asked staring down at the phone number.

“Christian? I didn’t ask him that,” Arnold said impatiently, “all I know is he got my number from your real mom,” Arnold replied.

What?” Christian breathed.

“Hey, tell your — tell Sadie — tell her hello. But tell her I can’t give her any more money, all right? That’s not my job, anymore.” Arnold hung up the phone.

Christian cursed at the dial tone, hung up and sat down at the kitchen table. He gathered himself. He picked up his father’s telephone number and began to dial. His heart pounded, his mind went blank.

Hello? Chris? It’s Ray,” said the voice on the other end.

Yeah.” Christian folded and unfolded the telephone number.

He was speaking with his father? He considered hanging up. He watched Cassady pull an overnight bag out of the hall closet.

So you were looking for me? What, I mean,” Christian’s voice trailed off.

His voice was hoarse. His mouth was so dry he could hardly swallow.

******

I am but a receiver of a message; this message is but a thing of the past.

A past with dim thoughts of its future; a present as fragile as glass. 

Like debris through open windows, I blow through to his heart. 
Through my window, through this message, he finds his history — his start 
I am but a deliverer of this message … he stands wholly changed as I leave his hands.

 

Donesha T & RH

Where were you?

“Mystery” Character thoughts

Please don’t fall for him

Please don’t fall for him

Please don’t fall for him

Please, God, don’t let me fall

Have you ever watched a storm roll in? Heard the thunder coming closer and closer, frowned as all of your plans were ruined, and now, nothing could possibly go right? But then, as much as you hated to admit it, the cool breeze that swept over you, the melody of the raindrops — all of it — was so refreshing, that you forgot about your “plans” and the way you thought you felt about the storm?

He reminded me of one of those surprise rain storms. When I saw him coming, I frowned. He was nothing like what I thought I wanted or needed. Certainly, he would bring nothing good to my life; I had everything figured out, yet I knew nothing at all.

Gentle, unexpected, captivating and peaceful. Nothing that he seemed.  Even with our own “personal storms,” together, we were nothing more than a sweet melody.

Christian: the self-proclaimed liar and cheater, was so vulnerable, that there was no way he could be anything more than lost.  So lost, that not a day went by where he was not at least mildly intoxicated. But he saw me clearly, and I saw him for who he was …

Never once did he show me the side of him that broke hearts everywhere he went. Never once did he lie to me or tell me what I wanted to hear. He never disrespected me. He never even wanted anything more than to be with me, and he claimed to be so in love that sex should wait. He said that in me, he found someone worth holding on to.

In a short period of time, a very short period of time, I fell. I was lost in a world we created. In this world, we shared everything, laughed, bickered, dreamed together and held on tight to happiness — bliss.

I had the key to his heart. But all the time, he told me that I was the only one with that key, and that he knew for a fact that I would break his heart. I would abandon him just as everyone else had. I assured him that his mind was playing tricks on him, that I cared about “us” just as much as he did. Deep down, I was so afraid of getting hurt, that I spent our time apart figuring out how to escape him unscathed.

I had to save both of us from falling in love with a dream.

I felt that I had to open my eyes.

I had to distance myself.

Yet, deep down, I hope he’ll find me, again.

Please don’t miss him

Please stop missing him

Please, God, help me to stop missing him.

Please, God, let him find me, again …

 

 

Into the thoughts of ‘Where were you?’ character Christian

This is the fun part. Giving you my phone number. Wondering why girls like you let yourself fall so hard for guys like me. I’ll leave you with questions you never thought to ask, before. The types of questions I had when I was much younger.

I was happier to not have the answers. But I’ll give it my best shot …

Why do people lie?

Typical answer: Because they’ve been lied to.

Maybe.

My answer: I think its more than that. I lie because I’m able to make it better than what it really is. Like, I never had anyone lie to me and make it sound or seem better. So, if I lie to you, I feel its my gift to you.

Why do people cheat, betray and forget about eachother?

Typical answer: Because somebody, somewhere, hurt them in those ways.

My answer: There’s got to be more. I cheat because in many ways I’m no good. Sometimes, I do it because I honestly hate being alone. Sometimes, I do it because you don’t respect yourself enough to tell me “no”. You don’t tell me “no” because there’s something you’re looking for, too. So, really, we use eachother, don’t we?

Am I blaming me? Yes. Am I blaming some of you? Yes – kinda’.

Why do people forget about people they claim to love?

Typical answer: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen that way.

My answer: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen that way.

But …

A lot of you are forgettable. I want you to hold my attention – but I’m distracted by the hundreds of versions of you I see every day. What I’m saying sounds cold, but if you look at what you and your girls say about us, then look at what you settle for …

allow …

entertain …

None of us are perfect.

When my mind wanders, it always leads me back to her …

She threw me off. I can admit I was thrown. I can admit that I never felt that way, before. She was nothing like anyone  I had ever been attracted to before. And with the concrete rose, which is what she is to me, you notice instantly that something is special.

I’m not talking perfection, not angelic. Just unique. Out of place but meant to be. There were times I watched her and smiled. And deep down I knew it wouldnt last. So, I watched after her and cared for her for as long as I could. I guess what I gave just …

As always …

I wasn’t good enough.

Why do people abandon eachother for a rush?

That moment of take-off.

Typical answer: its not you,its their own personal demons.

My answer: I don’t have an answer to that, because now, I value the rush, too. Funny how what we hate and swear off as children are the same thing we become.

I’m the biggest liar. The best excuse-maker. A cheating, rush chaser. I abandon, I forget people and I have the nerve to complain about being lonely.

You still want my number?

******

Where were you?