Since this is the week of my Just Beneath the Surface re-release with Inknbeans Press, this will be a week filled with excerpts, interviews and more.
Today, myself and Sherry Pringle of Healthy Happy Relationships, have our first chat — a bit of girltalk — about a few of the issues in Just Beneath the Surface. Feel free to jump in!
In Just Beneath the Surface, the topic of living together unmarried, for several years, after having children, is a huge part of a couple’s breakdown. There are also disagreements about one man’s need to run home after every fight.
My husband and I lived together for over 1 year before we got married. Although we had no kids, I noticed a huge difference in my level of commitment for our relationship after getting married. I felt like before the wedding I still had the option to leave if I wasn’t happy in our relationship.
We were not a unit yet so I still felt like I was solo and looking out for myself. I didn’t feel completely invested. I still had that, “I gotta’ do me” mentality at times. Our wedding day changed everything. After speaking our wedding vows out loud in front of all our loved ones and making that commitment to God and to each other, our bond grew stronger from that day forward. We became truly united in our lives. He has my back and I got his back. We are each others biggest supporters, best friend, and confidant. We both felt more trust and belonging after getting married. There’s a powerful sense of security that comes along with marriage, that you just don’t get while cohabitating.
I would have to say the biggest difference between living together and getting married is our level of investment into the relationship. When you’re married, you’re all in, this marriage stands for you and your life. It’s not easy watching anything that you’re fully invested in fail. Before marriage, we were in the same boat, but had our own life jackets. After marriage, our life jackets became one. When things get rocky, now, we either sink or swim together in this ocean of life.
2. If a woman feels that her significant other is a “momma’s boy,” (no offense, guys …) how can she be sure she is not exaggerating? Where is the balance?
I think the best way to know if you have a momma’s boy is, like with many things, your gut feeling. There are a few general things to look out for, which will let you know you’re not exaggerating.
– If your man suddenly metamorphoses from a man to a boy in the presence of his mother. You get that icky feeling all over, and you don’t know whether to hurl or to slap him back into reality when you see them interact.
– He is still letting his mother make major decisions for him and his life, instead of a)figuring things out on his own or b)consulting with you before he calls Momma for help.
– If he is not sticking up for you when it come to his mom and allows her to continually over step boundaries. A man has to be willing to stand up to his mother in order to protect his wife.
Ladies, if you truly have a momma’s boy on your hands, you’ll know exactly what I mean by these.
3. What, in your opinion, should she do to express her concern in a healthy way?
The best way to express your concern is to first check your attitude and your intentions. Be sure you’re not just out to criticize or judge your man. Set a goal for getting more understanding and really expressing your needs. Truthfully, we all want a man who respects his mother, right? So if what you’re truly seeking is more of a balance, start by acknowledging the love he has for his mother, and then simply ask for what you need from him going forward.
You may even have to out right ask him, “Are you ready to open up that space for the number one woman in your life to a woman other than your mother?” His answer to this question will let you know if he’s ready to drop being a momma’s boy and willing to let someone, hopefully you, take on the leading lady role in his life. And if the answer is yes, that’s your moment to step up by asking for what you require as the woman in that role.