Diamond: “Something is changing.”

Into the mind of the character ‘Diamond’ of Just Beneath the Surface I 

 

Meeting Bobby

I met him a few years ago. I think I was like — fourteen. My parents were separating, and I had had just about all I could take. I was embarrassed about something stupid, I was running in the hall, and I bumped into Bobby. He spoke, looked and seemed so much older. I think he fussed at me or something. Well, I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and before I knew it, I was crying.

So embarrassing.

 

I needed Bobby

 

There was a time when I really hated everybody. I hated my mom for lying about what was going on, I hated my father for running away, I hated my brother because – that’s just the way Jules and me are.

 When I met Bobby, he was like an eight foot god to me in a sense (even though we’re the same height and he’s not that much older than me).

He was just like – all around me. Bobby managed to be in my head, in my heart and everywhere I needed him to be all at the same time.

 

She was my best friend

 

She was the one I could talk to about anything. She was never just my mom – she was always my best friend. I called her my momma-friend when I was little.

(What a nerd…)

 I miss her a lot. I don’t want to be mad at her, but when I look at her, or I see her with this new guy, I really can’t stand her.

Some days I sleep for an entire day to avoid her. Other times I stay with my best friend.

And by the way…

When I get home, do you know what my mother asks me?

“Where were you? With your grandparents?”

 Is she out of her mind? Is it crazy for me to be pissed off that she doesn’t know or care where I am anymore? Then they’d wonder why I’m dating my teacher’s aide? Because he cares where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with and sometimes – it’s sort of cute – I see him drive by my best friend’s house at night. I think it’s adorable. He really loves me.

 He cares about me.

 

Being loved

 

To me, being loved is having someone listen to me. Someone check on me. Someone tell me I’m pretty. Someone to hold me, even when I’m in one of my moods.

Being loved to me is temporary, though. If a mother and father can’t be in love forever, what makes me think I could? I mean – yeah, I want it, but do I believe in that? Deep down? No.

But…

I’ve never thought much about it or even said it to Bobby. He couldn’t handle it.

 

Biggest regrets

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes. I used to be so much smarter, and that doesn’t make any sense to me. Don’t you get smarter with age instead of more stupid?

 Every night I just push the dumb stuff out of my head. It worked until lately – now people are finding things out. They’re finding out about some things I did when my parents first separated. They’re looking at me like I’m an alien. I’m thinking, “Yeah right. Like you don’t have skeletons, too.”

 But…

I guess I did take things too far. I mean – how dumb  could I be?  I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Nobody is taking it harder than my brother.

 He really hates me – even more than before.

 

Something is changing

 

The other day Bobby had this look on his face. This look that I couldn’t read, but it was a look that I could feel. Ever have someone stare at you from across the room, and it’s like they’re connecting with you or reading you – but you don’t want them to? That’s how he made me feel; just for that second.

Like now – he’s already called me eight times. 

Back-to-back …

I think I see his car …

He’s calling again … 

Why does he have to be like this? 

 

Just Beneath the Surface I

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