“Each time his hand raises…”

Just Beneath the Surface I Excerpt:

“His eyes saw so deep into me I could hardly stand it. He knew I would stay. It scared me to think that he had this hold over me. I had never in my life been the type of woman who would endure something like this. But I was so connected to him that I could not see clearly.”

Inside of the character ‘Kendall’ of  Just Beneath the Surface I

I am haunted

I can hardly sleep. I have no peace. I am afraid at every moment of every day. I don’t know me, and I don’t know him – not anymore.
To think of my family and the way things were – Michael, my children

God what have I done, and how did I get here?

I love him so much, but I feel that deep down, he hates me

I sense that I will die convincing him that I can be the woman he craved for so many years. I thought that I could be the woman who could show him the true meaning of love, and to cherish him; the woman who could love him with patience, and be everything that he needed. But every time he loses his self, he makes it go away –

Yet each time he screams at me, my heart stops, because I know what is coming next

Every time he looks at me that way, with such cold eyes, I know what will come next – my heart pounds, I lose my breath, and I want nothing more than to disappear.

Each time his hand raises, my life flashes before my eyes

Worse and worse
Each time he goes further – he finds new ways to hurt me, and when he tells me he will kill me if I leave, I believe him.

I’m embarrassed to think of what people will say if they find out

I think of the way I felt about women in the situation I’m in, now – I can hear myself so clearly. The way I talked about the things I would put up with, the things I would never tolerate – and being hit was one of them – now I hardly recognize myself. I am so ashamed as I think of the way I haven’t been there for my family. I think of the way Diamond needed me, and I was never there – I was so selfish. Maybe I really do deserve this. Maybe he’s right: I am selfish, and I don’t know what it means to put someone else first.

and now

I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’m starting to believe he will never change. I’m starting to think that I will never be what he wants me to be. Things are starting to become more than I can take – each time, I feel as though eyes – those unfeeling eyes – are searching for more than love.  Each time it happens, I see death – I sense death – I feel it.

I once wondered what was just beneath the surface — and now

As he stands over me – blade glistening, I no longer have to wonder…

broken mirror 1

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collage by laura

***

“If it were that bad, she would just leave.

  • There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim want to be abused.
  • Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995)

Some people deserve to be hit.

  • No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
  • Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.”

http://www.domesticviolence.org/common-myths/

“ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.”

http://www.domesticviolence.org/who-are-the-victims/

  • On average more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States. In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner.2
  • In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published data collected in 2005 that finds that women experience two million injuries from intimate partner violence each year.3
  • Nearly one in four women in the United States reports experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or boyfriend at some point in her life.4

http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/content/action_center/detail/754?gclid=CLyQz_Tp1rACFSKhtgodbROG1A

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8 comments
  1. My own Mother was the victim of domestic violence. I read this passage and cried. She ended up kicking my father out, but I imagine something like this passed through her mind more than once..

    • I’m so sorry. God bless you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing — my heart goes out — seriously.

  2. Deodira said:

    awesome blog. i enjoyed reading your articles. this is truly a great read for me. i have bookmarked it and i am looking forward to reading new articles. keep up the good work!http://www.impressorashp.org

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